With seasons of family gatherings at Thanksgiving and Christmas coming up quickly, it’s no secret that unresolved hurts from years gone by can leak out, or maybe even flare up when we get together. In a perfect world with perfect parents, children, brothers, sisters, grandkids, aunts, uncles, and cousins, that wouldn’t happen. But we don’t live in such a place with such people, do we? So, it’s okay. Your family is not the struggling exception.
The fact is, we’re all downcast sheep with hurts and wounds, just as Jesus saw in the multitudes who had gathered to hear His heart in Matthew 9, and in chapter 5 where he begins His most famous sermon — on the mount! I learn so much every time I stroll through it, even in the way He structured that very personal message! Now don’t lose me here.
The three-stage sequence in what He shared that day that touched hearts and started the healing process is a great template of how we can approach those tough and tender conversations we need to have with those who have hurt us– who we have probably hurt as well!
The good news is that it is a pretty simple three step sequence to understand. But the bad news is that it is pretty hard to get up the courage to start the conversation, right? But you can do this. Really. So, here are the three healing words and sequence to gently enter a hopefully healing conversation.
COMFORT.
Jesus saw their hurts and wounds and began His message by comforting them with what we now call: The Beatitudes. “Blessed are the poor in spirit… those who mourn… those who hunger and thirst.” This is how you start that difficult conversation. Acknowledge their hurts, and your own. “Look, I know we’re both hurting and that I have my fair share of contributing to the hurts. May I just say how sorry I am for apparently hurting you so badly, even though I’m not sure how I’ve done so or to what degree. I love you and am hoping you can help me see how we can heal our relationship.” Something like that helps soften both of your hearts before you move on to …
AFFIRM.
After comforting them, Jesus then affirmed them: “You are the light of the world . . . You are the salt of the earth.” That’s good stuff there! You are the light in the darkness when you walk in the room, and the spice in the chili to make things interesting. The problem is that you’ve just let your hurts, wounds, and bitterness mud up your light and keep your spice in the pantry. Instead, you can choose to say something like: “You are so special to me and to so many others, and I yearn for our hearts to heal toward each other.” Then you can get more specific with your praise and affirmation of them as a person. Once you’ve done that, as best you can amid your own hurts, this groundwork of humility and grace lays the foundation for the …
REVEAL.
Jesus then began to reveal the blind spots they had that were hurting themselves and others so much. “You have heard it said . . . but I say to you.” This is where you can start to gently share hearts and compare notes of what has happened or what was said that caused the breach between you and the other person. This is mutual accusation. This is mutual exploration. It is trying to find some common ground of understanding, and clarifying, and most importantly, forgiving. We all share the responsibility of forgiving because we are all parts of the problem. Let’s never forget that.
This is God’s humility, grace, and love at work, my friends. And it is the only thing that heals.
Learning to be like Jesus with you,
Pastor Mark
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