C. A. R. TALK
For those of you who are auto enthusiasts, let me alert you that we are not going anywhere near that worthy topic! I will leave that to someone who is far more conversant than I am about that world. And God bless them!
The topic that is actually on my heart is a simple, but very powerful conversational sequence that can often prevent and even help heal any relational tension or breaches between you and your family, friends, neighbors, co-workers, relatives, and more. C.A.R. is simply an acrostic to help you remember the sequence I noticed a few years back in the structure of Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 5-7! Cool, huh? Not that I am suggesting you preach at people in one-on-one conversations, but the heart and sequence in which He shared when preaching then, can help us when we’re speaking with each other now. So, the three-part sequence starts with:
COMFORT. Jesus opened His conversational message with these comforting words and many more like them in what we call the “Beatitudes.” “Blessed are the poor in spirit… Blessed are they who mourn….” He saw the heart wounds and hurts of the multitude that gathered that day – each one of them. He always sees us with eyes of compassion short, and this is the best way to enter difficult conversations. Not with anger, bitterness, accusations, and blaming with guns blazing. Seeing and settling our own wounds first will help us see and appreciate the wounds in others as we prepare to talk with each other. We can begin with something like:
“Before we get started, may I just say that I’ve been thinking that we are both hurting pretty badly about what’s happened, and please know that I am so sorry about all this and truly hope we can take a few baby steps toward healing our relationship.”
Humility, hope, transparency and vulnerability can be a great start.
AFFIRMATION.
Next, Jesus affirmed people, saying: “You are the light of the world… you are the salt (or spice) of the earth.” In short, He was telling them that they were of great value! You matter. You are unique. You can make a difference. This is what people need to be reassured about in a difficult conversation. Maybe something like:
“Please know how much I appreciate you, your heart, and your intentions. You are important to me, and our relationship is worth the effort to reconcile.” Just be sure to share it as a genuine expression and hope that resolution is on the horizon. People can smell “butter-you-up” manipulation a mile away.” After this, then and only then, you can move to the:
REVEAL.
The third part of the Sermon on the Mount is when Jesus began saying things like: “You have heard it said, but I say to you…” They had many misconceptions and Jesus was gently revealing the misguided thoughts and leading them to look deeper. In our situation, we might say something like:
“So, you may be thinking … but I just want you to know…” Or “Can we compare notes and share hearts about our perceptions of what happened (or what was said or thought)?” Misperceptions and hasty assumptions can wreak havoc in a relationship, as can actual missteps, blind spots, and emotional flare-ups. Having the courage to take the first few steps to have the humble and gentle conversation—aided by this sequence — can make the reveal and discovery of the core issues emerge a little more readily and more powerfully!
I know this is brief, but I am praying it will be a good start in cultivating the art of heart level healing conversations in your lives, my friends. Life is too short to keep a long list of unresolved and unforgiven relationships. And the Lord is with you, especially when you are the one taking the first baby step of seeing your own part of the breach, and then the next baby step of starting a C.A.R. talk with those you really care about. You can do this. Good healthy results start with the first steps.
Taking baby steps with you,
Pastor Mark
Articles & radio archives: markpg.org
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